Do I admit defeat?

Today's post is all about defeat.  When do we admit to ourselves & others that we may be facing failure?  When do we give up & forge a new plan?  At what point can I honestly say enough is enough & admit defeat?

In the last week, not a whole lot has changed.  I still live in the same home.  I still work part time, as my husband protects the community.  I still don't sleep much.  I still don't get ANYWHERE on time.  I still spend an hour after the kids are in bed at night watching mindless TV as a way to de-stress.  I still cook, clean, do laundry... same routine, different day.  However, in the grand scheme of things, so much has changed.

I battle depression & anxiety.  It's no secret.  Most nights I cry myself to sleep because I am so overwhelmed with what has become my life.  But lately, the word defeat falls into my daily vocabulary.  I feel defeated when I am washing crib sheets for the 3rd time in 24 hours because Izzy's blood sugar is so high she soaks through a diaper an hour.  I feel defeated when I cannot figure out why Izzy isn't feeling well or what hurts.  I feel defeated when I cannot express why I am crying for the upteenth time that day to my husband.

Before my daughter, I was social.  I had friends.  I married into a family, step-daughters, but I didn't think my entire social persona would change in the blink of an eye.  When you have a child of your own, your friends disappear.  You try to have "mommy friends" but let's face it, sometimes you really just want to vent to the person who has known you the last 15 years.  And said "mommy friends" dissipate in the blink of an eye if you don't show up to the park when they do, or to parent pick up, or gymnastics, or whatever else was scheduled.  Let's face it, life gets in the way at times of reaching out too... & then you wonder if too much time has passed, are they still your "mommy friends" after all?!

Then your baby girl gets sick.  You see who really cares, people come out of the woodwork & support you & your family in ways you cannot even describe.  And man how appreciative you are to those people who supported you when you needed it most.  Sure, she isn't dying.  No, right now her kidneys aren't failing & we are making every attempt to ensure those horrible complications don't ever happen to our baby girl.  But one would hope those long time friends would come back into your life.  They don't.  Again that entire part of you feels defeated.

I don't have time for play groups, my gym, daily park dates.  It is a miracle if I take a shower by 3pm.  I still dream of a day where my daughter has a friend her age, who we do fun things with, a mommy friend I can vent to, someone who I relate to on more then one level.  I dream of a day where I am social again, go out for happy hour or a girls night, with a friend who knows who I am & accepts all my neurotic flaws.

So today, as I cry (yet again), I think it's time to admit defeat.  Admit that I have no control over a lot of things in my life. 

One happy moment DID make it's way into our lives last week...

Last week my family allowed ourselves an afternoon of taking control.  We explored the pumpkin patch & it was our first meal out of the home with Izzy since her diagnosis.  We handled it with finesse.  A wise person told me right then & there we were not allowing diabetes to control us, but rather we were controlling it.  It was short lived because Izzy didn't have her blood sugar under control after that for 2 more days.  But for now I will keep in mind that nice afternoon out at the pumpkin patch.

Well have a blessed day to my readers!!

XO,
Stacey

Losing control...

Anger (noun): a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong.
Depression (noun): sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
Blame (noun): an act of attributing fault.

Tonight these are the three words that stick.  Anger.  Depression.  Blame.  Now looking at the definitions, I have drawn several conclusions over the wave of emotions I have been feeling over the last 48 hours.

First off, I have anger down.  Let's just say "nailed it" & call it a night, shall we?  Why am I angry, you ask?  Because my daughter isn't feeling well.  When her sugar goes high, there are symptoms associated with this.  Not just fussiness.  She will have headaches, stomachaches, excessive thirst & wetting diapers, she will be weak & sleepy.  An older child may be able to articulate this, let you know how they feel.  My daughter is 20 months old & just screams & lays her head on my legs.  Or she throws things at me - & not in that "I am a cute toddler calling out for your attention" kind of way.  Let's not also forget, when her sugar gets lower there are also symptoms... & lately she has had some lows & that scares me more then anything.

Depression... I have battled that my whole life.  But the feelings of depression I have now are so different.  I cry.  I yell.  I miss meals.  I don't clean or I manically clean like it's going out of style.  Now looking at the definition above it clearly states "more prolonged than that warranted..."  Guess it's not depression since it is clearly warranted by a reason??  Just pure sadness & stress up in here!  I would love to shake it off, be happy-go-lucky, & go about my day acting like I don't have a care in the world.  That isn't me.  I cannot be positive all of the time, I wish with all my heart I could remain positive even 75% of the time right now.  See that's the thing about beginning to get into the cycle of depression, it takes a hold of you & you are overwhelmed in an instant.

Lastly, blame.  I would LOVE to play the blame game.  If I could just place blame upon someone or something for the stress, fear, anxiety, pain, changes, confusion, & absolute upside down turn around our lives have taken, I would in a heartbeat.  But there is no one to blame.  There is no vaccination that did this to her.  There is no contracting it from another kiddo at the park.  I did not will this upon us.  And I do say "us" because although my daughter is the one with type 1 diabetes, as a family unit we all make changes, sacrifices, & have to educate ourselves about the path the rest of our lives will have to take from here on out.

Side note... As I write this, expressing my frustration I hear the incessant beeping.  It's okay, no real reason to run for the monitors & remotes & panic... just her blood sugar spiking up above 250.  UGH!!

Tonight, as anger rushed through me & I began to cry at the dinner table, alone with 3 children looking at me like I had lost my mind, I finally saw what it is that hurts most.  I have lost control.  I cannot control that my 20 month old no longer wants to eat the foods she once loved.  I cannot control that her blood sugars dropped drastically in a one hour time frame for no apparent reason.  I cannot control that sometimes I am going to be defeated by life.  I just have to cry, take that deep breath, try to feed my daughter the chicken nuggets she loved yesterday, & call it a night when all she wanted was goldfish crackers & spinach/mango puree.

So for those of you who don't know me or see me on a regular basis, I am sure as time passes you will see me be positive & happy & think nothing of this post again.  For those of you who do see me & know me, give it time.  I am fine one minute, & crying over how overwhelming & angry I feel the next.  I have lost control & that is so incredibly hard for me to admit.  The last 48 hours have been rough, Izzy is not stable, & it is not an easy endeavor to attempt to manage this disease on a toddler.  I have a support system, my amazing husband, & I am so blessed to have him be the man I need him to be in times like these.

I would never wish any of this on my worst enemy.  But if you are going through it, know you are not alone.  This is one hard process.

Until another vent session blog post arises... Have a great night!
XO,
Stacey

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." 

-Joseph Campbell

 

When am I ready...?

Two posts in one day?  Could it be?  Well let's just say I have a lot on my mind...

How do you know when you're ready to leave your child with a sitter?  Not just any sitter but GRANDMA?  Since Izzy has been diagnosed, we've left her maybe a handful of times - typically during a nap - with Grandma in charge.

I think back to when Izzy was first born, it took a lot of strength for me to leave her with anyone, including my husband.  Most people agreed it was normal, but I did have massive anxiety.  Now my anxiety is back x 100.

A million questions race through my mind.  Will something go wrong with the pump?  Will a problem with the glucose monitor arise?  Will her sugar get low?  Will Grandma know what to do?  Will I have cell phone reception 100% of the time I am gone?  What if there is an emergency & I am now 45 minutes away from home?  Will the older girls be helpful or will it turn into World War III at my house?

I have an amazing support system.  Mostly, my husband.  He is the king of keeping his cool.  He is my polar opposite, but sometimes I truly need that.  He brings me back down when my stress is off the charts.  He reminds me it's ok to not be perfect - but let's face it, I am sooooo perfect right?!  A tad OCD, neurotic, anal-retentive, perfectionist... you get the gist.

In two days we have an event, who knows if I will go.  My husband has offered to stay home so that I can go on my own just so that I can go.  I so badly wanted HIM by my side, my date, a night away for us.  But in the back of my head the WHAT IF'S are screaming, a really loud nagging scream.  So to those of you reading this... when do you know you are ready?

Hello world!

...or hello the few people that are reading my NEW blog.

I have begun this blog to keep people up to speed with our lives.  The family will be included.  But mostly this is about our baby girl, Izzy.  I still call her a baby girl, but she is 20 months now & in full blown toddler times.  She is also a type 1 diabetic.

Back story...

On August 8, 2014 our lives were forever changed when our then 18 month old daughter, Isabella "Izzy" was admitted into the hospital and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  Two days prior she had slept for 14 hours straight, very unlike her.  One day prior she was increasingly thirsty, wetting diapers frequently, & had become irritable.  Once we got in to see our pediatrician, they checked her blood sugar and found it was a 569 (normal range is 80-150).  We spent 5 long days in the hospital.  We prayed, cried, learned, cursed, cried some more, & just tried to make it through.

Coming home was the hardest part.  There are no nurses at your home.  There are no doctors there with you.  You rely heavily on your loved ones for support, as your whole world has been changed.

Izzy was quickly put on an insulin pump.  She wears a continuous glucose monitor (CGM) that checks her sugars every 5 minutes.  We still finger stick her every 2 hours to check for accuracy - that CGM can be off at times.  We are finding out this is a long road we have ahead of us.  There is no cure.  No magic wand to make our baby girl healthy again.  This isn't about obesity or diet, her immune system is attacking her pancreas & she will require insulin for the rest of her life.

Today...

Almost 2 months later, Izzy isn't fully stable, but sometimes we get 6 hours of "normal" blood sugars & this sleep deprived mama does her little happy dance.  We are expecting next week to get her new fusion wrap, which will securely hold her pump & still be super cute.  Thus my new business venture!  I am officially a sales rep for the Fusion Wrap.  Check out my link down below!

That is it for today.  The next few days I am sure I will dive into the meat & potatoes of how life truly is for us.  Till then...

XO,
Stacey

Have you checked us out on Facebook?  Please like our page for info on Izzy, juvenile diabetes, & our new business venture!
https://www.facebook.com/izzyandherwrap

Check out our new business venture:
http://stacey.fusion-wrap.com