Do I admit defeat?

Today's post is all about defeat.  When do we admit to ourselves & others that we may be facing failure?  When do we give up & forge a new plan?  At what point can I honestly say enough is enough & admit defeat?

In the last week, not a whole lot has changed.  I still live in the same home.  I still work part time, as my husband protects the community.  I still don't sleep much.  I still don't get ANYWHERE on time.  I still spend an hour after the kids are in bed at night watching mindless TV as a way to de-stress.  I still cook, clean, do laundry... same routine, different day.  However, in the grand scheme of things, so much has changed.

I battle depression & anxiety.  It's no secret.  Most nights I cry myself to sleep because I am so overwhelmed with what has become my life.  But lately, the word defeat falls into my daily vocabulary.  I feel defeated when I am washing crib sheets for the 3rd time in 24 hours because Izzy's blood sugar is so high she soaks through a diaper an hour.  I feel defeated when I cannot figure out why Izzy isn't feeling well or what hurts.  I feel defeated when I cannot express why I am crying for the upteenth time that day to my husband.

Before my daughter, I was social.  I had friends.  I married into a family, step-daughters, but I didn't think my entire social persona would change in the blink of an eye.  When you have a child of your own, your friends disappear.  You try to have "mommy friends" but let's face it, sometimes you really just want to vent to the person who has known you the last 15 years.  And said "mommy friends" dissipate in the blink of an eye if you don't show up to the park when they do, or to parent pick up, or gymnastics, or whatever else was scheduled.  Let's face it, life gets in the way at times of reaching out too... & then you wonder if too much time has passed, are they still your "mommy friends" after all?!

Then your baby girl gets sick.  You see who really cares, people come out of the woodwork & support you & your family in ways you cannot even describe.  And man how appreciative you are to those people who supported you when you needed it most.  Sure, she isn't dying.  No, right now her kidneys aren't failing & we are making every attempt to ensure those horrible complications don't ever happen to our baby girl.  But one would hope those long time friends would come back into your life.  They don't.  Again that entire part of you feels defeated.

I don't have time for play groups, my gym, daily park dates.  It is a miracle if I take a shower by 3pm.  I still dream of a day where my daughter has a friend her age, who we do fun things with, a mommy friend I can vent to, someone who I relate to on more then one level.  I dream of a day where I am social again, go out for happy hour or a girls night, with a friend who knows who I am & accepts all my neurotic flaws.

So today, as I cry (yet again), I think it's time to admit defeat.  Admit that I have no control over a lot of things in my life. 

One happy moment DID make it's way into our lives last week...

Last week my family allowed ourselves an afternoon of taking control.  We explored the pumpkin patch & it was our first meal out of the home with Izzy since her diagnosis.  We handled it with finesse.  A wise person told me right then & there we were not allowing diabetes to control us, but rather we were controlling it.  It was short lived because Izzy didn't have her blood sugar under control after that for 2 more days.  But for now I will keep in mind that nice afternoon out at the pumpkin patch.

Well have a blessed day to my readers!!

XO,
Stacey