Depression (noun): sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
Blame (noun): an act of attributing fault.
Tonight these are the three words that stick. Anger. Depression. Blame. Now looking at the definitions, I have drawn several conclusions over the wave of emotions I have been feeling over the last 48 hours.
First off, I have anger down. Let's just say "nailed it" & call it a night, shall we? Why am I angry, you ask? Because my daughter isn't feeling well. When her sugar goes high, there are symptoms associated with this. Not just fussiness. She will have headaches, stomachaches, excessive thirst & wetting diapers, she will be weak & sleepy. An older child may be able to articulate this, let you know how they feel. My daughter is 20 months old & just screams & lays her head on my legs. Or she throws things at me - & not in that "I am a cute toddler calling out for your attention" kind of way. Let's not also forget, when her sugar gets lower there are also symptoms... & lately she has had some lows & that scares me more then anything.
Depression... I have battled that my whole life. But the feelings of depression I have now are so different. I cry. I yell. I miss meals. I don't clean or I manically clean like it's going out of style. Now looking at the definition above it clearly states "more prolonged than that warranted..." Guess it's not depression since it is clearly warranted by a reason?? Just pure sadness & stress up in here! I would love to shake it off, be happy-go-lucky, & go about my day acting like I don't have a care in the world. That isn't me. I cannot be positive all of the time, I wish with all my heart I could remain positive even 75% of the time right now. See that's the thing about beginning to get into the cycle of depression, it takes a hold of you & you are overwhelmed in an instant.
Lastly, blame. I would LOVE to play the blame game. If I could just place blame upon someone or something for the stress, fear, anxiety, pain, changes, confusion, & absolute upside down turn around our lives have taken, I would in a heartbeat. But there is no one to blame. There is no vaccination that did this to her. There is no contracting it from another kiddo at the park. I did not will this upon us. And I do say "us" because although my daughter is the one with type 1 diabetes, as a family unit we all make changes, sacrifices, & have to educate ourselves about the path the rest of our lives will have to take from here on out.
Side note... As I write this, expressing my frustration I hear the incessant beeping. It's okay, no real reason to run for the monitors & remotes & panic... just her blood sugar spiking up above 250. UGH!!
Tonight, as anger rushed through me & I began to cry at the dinner table, alone with 3 children looking at me like I had lost my mind, I finally saw what it is that hurts most. I have lost control. I cannot control that my 20 month old no longer wants to eat the foods she once loved. I cannot control that her blood sugars dropped drastically in a one hour time frame for no apparent reason. I cannot control that sometimes I am going to be defeated by life. I just have to cry, take that deep breath, try to feed my daughter the chicken nuggets she loved yesterday, & call it a night when all she wanted was goldfish crackers & spinach/mango puree.
So for those of you who don't know me or see me on a regular basis, I am sure as time passes you will see me be positive & happy & think nothing of this post again. For those of you who do see me & know me, give it time. I am fine one minute, & crying over how overwhelming & angry I feel the next. I have lost control & that is so incredibly hard for me to admit. The last 48 hours have been rough, Izzy is not stable, & it is not an easy endeavor to attempt to manage this disease on a toddler. I have a support system, my amazing husband, & I am so blessed to have him be the man I need him to be in times like these.
I would never wish any of this on my worst enemy. But if you are going through it, know you are not alone. This is one hard process.
Until another vent session blog post arises... Have a great night!
XO,
Stacey
.JPG)
"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell
No comments:
Post a Comment